transparency...

sometimes you try not to admit that something is bugging you because you want to pretend that it's not... you try to hide it away a little bit and hope that in time it'll simply disappear... if forgotten, it will be lost...

but whether it's a seemingly angst-driven blog post, a lack of smiling or just plain absence, friends always seem to tell when something is up... over the past 24 hours i've had two significant friends write to me in confidence, inquiring if i'm a-ok... my blog revealed to them a side of me that they hadn't recognized... over the past few weeks, the man whose hand i tightly hold has also questioned my sensitivity -- and sanity...

i don't really know what it is that i feel i'm lacking... what makes my smile a little less beaming... i think it's really a bunch of small things, that i'm letting build up into an exagerrated mess of emotions... things that i could probably change if i shook off this feeling and went at them with gusto...

if i took a pen and paper and added up all i have in my life, i'd quickly realize i'm a lucky gal... it's not pity or pain that i'm seeking... honestly, it's just one of those moments when you don't feel like you... it'll pass -- this i'm sure of... we all go through it and in the end it makes us re-evaluate and come out stronger...

i guess after accomplishing all i feel that i have in life thus far, i thought things might get a bit easier... that pride, talent and a caring heart would carry me further... maybe i don't give myself enough credit... i've written in this venue before that i like to think i have a strong outer layer... that things don't bother me... but again, i find myself seeing just how transparent i am... and learning that sometimes it's ok to feel like you need a shoulder to cry on...