decades of experience...

it's truly unfortunate that the bad more so than the good is what can inspire us to write... when something doesn't go as planned, we often turn to words to express our pain, confusion, sense of loss, or misunderstanding... it's a therapy of sorts...

this year has already come with a significant amount of change... starting 2013 (only days in) as a single woman definitely took its toll on me emotionally... regardless of whether the decisions made were for the best or not, the heart hurts when such situations arise... then relocating to a new home was filled with equal parts excitement and reflection, as i left behind the memories of a life i had been living... but the world works in mysterious ways... only months in to living in my new abode and i can't imagine calling another place home...

physically i've begun a journey along a path to a new beginning as well... chopping off all my hair was simple, yet uplifting... and now attention to eating habits and exercise are making me feel more and more like the woman i want to be, not just sulking at the way things could be... turning 30 has already had a significant impact on me... perhaps more than i thought it would... looking at myself in the mirror as i shopped for dresses this past may shook me to my core... i never want to feel like i'm not happy with the reflection staring back at me... the one person i should most certainly unconditionally love is myself and it was scary to feel that slipping... that's when i realized a loss of self-worth... years of fighting for the attention of someone who has supposedly confessed to want to be with you can wear a woman out... i never want to feel like i have to convince someone to love me, no matter how hard things get...

and with that sentiment, i unfortunately find myself at an all-too-familiar crossroad... yet again i feel a strong sense of loneliness as i navigate through a tangible situation of unequal footing... life can be complicated, but if you know what you want you should seize it... "be who you want to be, say what you want to say; feel what you want to feel, love what you want to love; the greatest honesty you can give is to yourself." easier said than done in some regards... often life has other plans and while professing feelings can seem like the right course of action, it can also leave you feeling even more empty...

confession: i'm a romantic. i always have been and always will be... sure, i've entered some situations with less heart and intensity, but deep down inside i've always been this way... i long for the day when i undoubtedly know that the man beside me is my best friend, my lover, and my confidant... i long for that intense love that cannot be explained and is never apologized for... and it is for this reason that, as empty as it may end up feeling, i will enter this new decade with an absolute honesty rule... one to myself and to the one who could very well be that man to stand beside me.